My dear Jesse, my sweet son,
Today I went through the spare bedroom that would have been your nursery. It was filled with what-ifs and could-have-beens and memories I dont have. I folded up all the clothes I bought you, rolled up the swaddling blankets and bath robes you would have worn, tucked away all the books I would have read you and sold the crib I would have tucked you into. I would be lying if I said it didnt hurt turning what was to be all yours into just another room in my apartment. Into a blank room that only had my imagination of the baby smell that would emanate from it. I longed to have memories of you playing with the toys your Gandara Grandma bought you, I wished to have memories to cherish of being up with you at all hours of the morning, I wanted to have you cradled in my arms as I showed you the world through your own little window.
Alas, I know that you are in your new nursery. You have other toys and blankets and another crib to enjoy. You will never know the room I had made just for you but you have one that is better and filled with the love of the other two Moms you have. I couldnt be happier that I know you are safe, loved and taken care of, even if it is at such a cost to me. I love you so much I have only wanted what was best for you.
After I cleared out your room I gathered all the sonogram pictures I had kept to myself and stuck them in frames. I hung them up right next to my bed where I would see them every night as I was falling asleep and every morning when I woke up, just like the memories I have of you run through my head.
There is something I ALWAYS want you to remember, something I want you to grow up knowing. If you don’t think you are very smart or funny or good looking or whatever, try to focus on the things that are great about you. Like maybe you are good at remembering birthdays or important days, or you are gentle and kind with animals, or you are good at being patient with children or you have mastered the art of roasting marshmallows to perfection…. You don’t have to be Einstein or a top model to celebrate yourself.
I want you to always where you came from. I want you to proudly boast that you have THREE Moms that love you very much. You have such a large and loving extended family that branches farther than other kids. But most of all, I want you to be proud of who you are. You are so full of possibility and I want you to embrace that and reach for the stars, follow your dreams, wherever they may take you and take pride in everything you have accomplished and all that you are.
Just as always, I constantly think about you wishing you were with me,
Jessica, the Mom that had you first
