Strength to write and happy birthday

I know it's been a while. Probably too long actually, but finding the courage to write you, to face the pain I have been trying to run from, has been eluding me. I think I have finally reached a point in my recovery where I can accept what I have done though I fight everyday with feelings of selfishness for not keeping you as mine.

I do, I feel selfish for giving you away though logically I know you have a better life with Holly and Kelly than I could ever provide in this time of my life. I see pictures of you every so often and see how much you have grown and the personality that is taking form. To be honest, I think you have become a total ham and love the camera, but I must also admit that you are so photogenic it makes me jealous. I hear it every time I boast about you and share pictures with strangers, you are such a beautiful baby. You have my stunning, deep blue eyes that can pierce the soul and capture the attention of people from across the room. You have my smile that, when you want it to, can brighten up a room. I wish I could hear you laugh, feel your skin and give you all the hugs that I have longed to give you this past year. There would be so many that I wouldn't let you go for hours.

I hear that you are spoiled rotten with all your toys but that you love each and every one of them. My heart sings thinking about you puttering about playing and laughing. I hear you love your bubble baths and they can turn a sour mood sweet. I hear you are entranced by Christmas lights and balloons. I hear a lot of things about you and I am so glad that I can get to know every little thing about you, I want to know more and more, I want to know absolutely everything about you. Maybe in time we can reconnect and I can see your tiny self in action. In time I can see you again.

I find myself daydreaming constantly of the few short days I spent with you. You know, I never put you down... Unless I gave you to your moms to hold and cuddle. They loved you the moment they saw you, in fact their smiles are etched into my memory. I could feel the love come off of them, as much for each other as for you. It was a very selfish and bittersweet moment for me because I knew it would the their love that you would feel and would shape you to the person you will soon become. Just know you still hold my love, I am connected to you for life and no one can take that from me. There is this invisible cord that connects you to me, it is connected right to my heart. Every day I take time and meditate by myself and send you healing and comfort and serenity, all that I can muster. I hope you remember always what I told you when I last held you and said goodbye, my love surrounds you. It is in the wind that kisses your cheeks, the ground you feel beneath bare feet, it is in the sound of water as it washes around you, in the butterflies you will soon be running to catch. Though I have given you to another family you are still MINE. Forever mine.

The past year has been very hard for me, it hurts me knowing that I gave you away. It physically, emotionally and mentally hurts not having you near, not seeing you, not feeling you, not knowing you. It is a pain that I have heard will never really go away. I guess the time is teaching me that you are that pain, that constant reminder that there is another part of me out there and growing and learning, holding endless possibilities of change made to the world. You are so wonderful and pure hearted you touch the lives of everyone you meet, you are strong and vivacious and will make a difference. I know it, I can feel it in my bones. I have made a resolution to keep better connected. As I am working through my health and really grasp the decision I made for us it will become easier. I cant wait for the day you can hear my voice again.

I very recently was looking through some of my old photographs and I found one of my favorite pictures of us. It was taken a week after I found out about you. I read somewhere that you were about the size of a blueberry and I held a blueberry up to my belly, cupped in my hands and pretended it was you. I was so elated that you were so tiny and innocent and I was the one lucky enough to be carrying you and singing to you and nourishing you. It is one of my favorite pregnancy pictures. Us. Together.

I am making a book dedicated to you. A collection of every picture I have of you and us together. Every bit of information I get from Holly and Kelly about you will go into it. All of the poetry I have been writing you. Everything. I'll share it with you when you are older, it will be a diary of all the accomplishments I wasn't present for but that I saw second hand in pictures and movies.

I love you so much my little sea monkey,
My son,
My love,

Mom

My Son, My Seed

Swaddled in safety
angels eyes
stare upwards.
Blue as a clear
morning sky.
I fall into
the abyss of
his innocence.
Heart breaking
from loss yet
a smile spreads.
He knows nothing
of my pain
My son, my seed
delight filled
bundle of energy.
Keeping you safe
is my quest.
Loving you is
my bliss

Missing the Holidays

My dearest son, you are growing up way too fast. I wait every day for an email that might contain an update about you and, if I am lucky, a picture or two. I hang off every letter, every tiny detail of how you are doing, how you are growing up and who you are turning into as a person.

I have not written to you in some time and I regret that, but it is still incredibly hard to know that you are not with me. I wake up thinking I hear you crying in the other room until I remember, you are not there. I pace around wondering how heavy you would be if you were to be in my arms, if you would smile up at me with eyes that mirror my own, full of wonder and the future to hold. I know that I made the right choice, I gave you a full family, one that needed a little son to complete their own little family. I gave you to two people who could offer you every little thing you need and so much more. As much as I want you and miss you more and more each day I hold on to the fact that your moms could not be happier right now. They have a perfect and handsome little man growing up, they will hear the pitter patter of your tiny feet as they take their first steps, they will hear your sweet voice say those first precious words. They will be forever thankful you are in their lives. I hold on to that knowledge. I cherish every memory I have of you.

I do have to tell you, I get so excited at work after I get new pictures and updates. I go around and show your picture to everyone will look and boast about every detail I know about you. How you like to look at the holiday lights and that you adore baths. Without exaggeration, they always tell me how handsome they honestly think you are. They think you are such a precious little bundle and have my smile that can just light up a room.

As the Holidays creep nearer I get more and more sad. I wish I could have spent your first Thanksgiving with you. I want to witness your first Christmas and see your face with all the wrapping paper and bows. I want to take you out for a walk around my neighborhood and show you all the houses with lights we have and tell you about the secrets of the world. I want to show you the stars and tell you how infinite they are, teach you about all the tales and stories each star has attached to it. Instead, I go out for a walk and look at the houses by myself. I think of all the secrets of the world I would share with you. I look up at the stars for so long I begin to see your face in them. I imagine what your laugh sounds like, about all your different cries. I dream about your warmth next to me when I sleep and the reassuring shape of your body in my arms.

Jesse, I love you so much I cant even put it into words. I would do anything in this world I could for you. Please, never forget that.

Always dreaming and thinking about you,
Mom

My Child

This is my child, yet he is not mine-
My flesh and blood, but their sweat and tears.
He carries my genes, yet will be shaped by their personalities-
He lives strong in my heart, but his heart feels for them.
He lives in my fantasies, my dreams-
Yet he's their dream come true, their beautiful and precious reality.
I gave him life, with which he made theirs whole-
I learned so much to love him, that I let him go.
My child, their child, it doesn't make sense.
Yet at the same time-
My child, my dream for him to have better than I could give.
Their child, their dream to give him better than I could give.
My child, so painful the hurt caused by leaving him,
So much grieving,
Yet a world full of happiness in their receiving.

Missing Memories I Don't Have

My dear Jesse, my sweet son,

Today I went through the spare bedroom that would have been your nursery. It was filled with what-ifs and could-have-beens and memories I dont have. I folded up all the clothes I bought you, rolled up the swaddling blankets and bath robes you would have worn, tucked away all the books I would have read you and sold the crib I would have tucked you into. I would be lying if I said it didnt hurt turning what was to be all yours into just another room in my apartment. Into a blank room that only had my imagination of the baby smell that would emanate from it. I longed to have memories of you playing with the toys your Gandara Grandma bought you, I wished to have memories to cherish of being up with you at all hours of the morning, I wanted to have you cradled in my arms as I showed you the world through your own little window.

Alas, I know that you are in your new nursery. You have other toys and blankets and another crib to enjoy. You will never know the room I had made just for you but you have one that is better and filled with the love of the other two Moms you have. I couldnt be happier that I know you are safe, loved and taken care of, even if it is at such a cost to me. I love you so much I have only wanted what was best for you.

After I cleared out your room I gathered all the sonogram pictures I had kept to myself and stuck them in frames. I hung them up right next to my bed where I would see them every night as I was falling asleep and every morning when I woke up, just like the memories I have of you run through my head.

There is something I ALWAYS want you to remember, something I want you to grow up knowing. If you don’t think you are very smart or funny or good looking or whatever, try to focus on the things that are great about you. Like maybe you are good at remembering birthdays or important days, or you are gentle and kind with animals, or you are good at being patient with children or you have mastered the art of roasting marshmallows to perfection…. You don’t have to be Einstein or a top model to celebrate yourself.

I want you to always where you came from. I want you to proudly boast that you have THREE Moms that love you very much. You have such a large and loving extended family that branches farther than other kids. But most of all, I want you to be proud of who you are. You are so full of possibility and I want you to embrace that and reach for the stars, follow your dreams, wherever they may take you and take pride in everything you have accomplished and all that you are.

Just as always, I constantly think about you wishing you were with me,
Jessica, the Mom that had you first

My Grown Up Sea Monkey

My dear Jesse,

Today, as every other day, you were constantly on my mind. If you had made it to Colorado safely, if you miss me, if you are happy. From what I have met of your new family they are amazing and kind people but I hope that my intuition was right and I made the right decision. The perfect decision for you.

This evening, as I was gazing out at the towering mountains in the distance contemplating how perfect you were and the short time we were able to have together, I became aware I was stroking my belly. The long, soft strokes I would use when you were still in my womb. When you were still growing and making every part of my body swell. I had you named my little Sea Monkey, you had that nickname since the first time I saw you on the screen of my OBGYN's sonogram machine. You were so tiny and didnt look much like a person yet but you were waving your arms all around as if saying, "Here I am mom, Im right here. This is my home for now! Hi!" I couldnt believe how infatuated I was with you from that time on. I knew nothing about you and I wanted no one but you.

I remember when I first started feeling you moving around. It was like our secret language. I would find myself smiling to myself putting my hand on the spot below my right rib you were partial to kicking. More times than I could count I felt a perfectly formed foot press against my hand and I knew it was the most flawless foot I knew. As you grew I felt your feet less and less (unless they were under my ribs kicking until I remained sore even after you were asleep) but I felt you completely distend my stomach with your knees nudging and body stretching. Feeling you flip and turn and move, it was such reassurance that you were mine, you were healthy, you were my precious Sea Monkey, hundreds of times bigger than you were when I first saw you.

You were still mine. You were still my Sea Monkey.

Even when you got so big I couldnt breathe while I was laying down or the weight of you would strain my back and make my feet swell, I loved you. I knew everything I was enduring was because you were growing big and healthy. The entire 8 months I was pregnant with you was a time that I will forever cherish. I, even now with the discomfort fresh in my mind, look back on those months with utter joy and wonderment. I would not take back a minute of the pregnancy because every minute you were inside me, you were mine. Solely mine. With our own game of hide and seek when I would tap my stomach and you would kick back. With our own language and understanding. The only time better than those 8 months my lovely Jesse were the 48 hours of you and only you in the hospital we spent together. I would not sleep, no matter how utterly exhausted I was, just so I could spend as much time as I could with you. I would nestle you close as tears would roll down my cheeks in the early hours of the morning as every hour ticked by, another hour closer to losing you.

You ARE still mine. You will ALWAYS be my Sea Monkey.

I dont care how big you get. I dont care how far you end up. I love you. I will always think of you. I hope that one day I can hold you in my arms again and take in every single perfect inch of you.

Never forget that I love you and you will always be my little Sea Monkey,
Jessica, Your Mother

The Missing Person In The Pictures

Last night I received a text from your parents, they had just finished touring the Sonoran Desert Museum with you and said that it was so much fun! It was your first big outing since you left the hospital and you were so precious curled in the arms of Kelly. I could tell from their faces that they could not be more happy to have you in their lives, part of their completing family. They told me that right after they were finished they were going to go to Scottsdale, Arizona to wait out the finalization of the adoption before they could take you on the long road trip to Colorado, so many miles away from me. Looking at the picture they sent me of the three of you gave me such joy that each and every one of you are so happy to be in each others lives, but part of me cries. It cries because I am not in that picture. I am not there with you, my son, to keep you safe and happy.

I have to keep reminding myself of what I told you the last time I saw you, you can find my love anywhere you look.

I spent part of my morning sitting out on the porch of Gandara Farms letting the sun warm my skin looking at the clouds passing above me and the peaks of the mountains littered with trees. I knew that it was the same sun that kept your eyes shut tight for protection, the same sun that caresses your soft ivory skin, the same sun that keeps you warm enough to show the entire world how perfect and delicate your hands and feet are. That the clouds that float above me are the same clouds that you will one day lay under daydreaming about life, love and what is, could have been and will be. I remind myself that even though the Arizona mountains have nothing against the towering ones in Colorado that someday soon you will be hiking up with your new parents enjoying all of the sounds and smells of a nature that is so unlike the one you were born into. I have to remind myself that the wind that I feel silken and comforting brushing the tears rolling down my face are the same ones that will reach you and surround you with the overflowing emotions of happiness, joy and love tinged with sadness for losing you.

Today, just as any day, I woke up hoping to find you swaddled next to me as you were the two nights we had in the hospital together. In my sleepy haze I could almost smell the sour smell of the formula from the bottles that always surrounded us and the faint natural perfume that always drifted from your skin that was only detectable when I held you close and kissed your forehead. I could almost feel your comforting weight cradled in my arms and your soft skin and silken hair brush my shoulder as you squirmed ever closer needing to know that I was there to protect you and keep you warm.

I want you to remember that even though Holly and Kelly will raise you you will always be part of my life. Not a day will go by that I do not think of you and what COULD have been. I will always want to do anything and everything to make you happy, safe and to give you what you need to thrive and flourish in life reaching the endless possibilities that life could take you.

You are my son.

You have my blood flowing through your veins, my hair on your head, my inquisitive eyes taking in the world, but you also have my will and my strenght to conquer whatever obstical gets in your way. In the few days I was able to spend with you I could tell that you were a fighter, decisive and knew exactly how to get what you wanted. Those traits will remain with you and help guide you through the hard times life will throw your way.

You also have the guidance for two amazing Moms that will mould you into the person you will become. You have not one family to fight and love and cherish you, but two who are completely devoted to your well being. I pray that you will never feel alone with all of us behind you, no matter the distance.

I love and miss every inch of you my son,
Jess, The other half of your family.

My Last Goodbye

The last time I saw you before the adoption took place was one of Joy, Pain, Sorrow and Love. There were so many emotions swirling around us that it almost took my breath away. I didnt want to say goodbye. I didnt want to give you away. I wanted you with me ALWAYS, I wanted to see your smile be the first thing I saw when I woke up and the last thing I saw when I went to sleep. I wanted my arms to grow weary of carrying you everywhere I go. But I knew I had to let go of you. Holly and Kelly brought you to a park and we all sat in some shade on the grass. This is what I told you before giving you to them for the last time:

"If you ever wake up and wonder about me, wonder if I love you, I want you to take a step outside and notice that my love surrounds you.

My love is like the grass we sit on, with each passing day it grows taller and taller just as my love for you grows with each day that you are alive and well. No matter what makes you think that my love is less, my love is more every single day I know that you are happy and well cared for.

My love is also like the sun that shines in our eyes. It is so many miles away from us and yet we still feel its warmth wrap around us. Just the way my love for you will surround and protect you no matter how many miles apart we are. It will remain constant, steady and strong and shine brighter every day.

Just as those trees in the distance sit in the glory of the sun they will also be washed in darkness just as you will have both light and dark in your future I want you to remember one thing. The dark only makes the light more precious, it only makes us appreciate it more. For every dark there is a light that comes after and I want you to hold on to that. Never give up when you are in middle of the dark, you never know when the light will come next and what joy it may bring.

I dont want you to think of this adoption as me giving you away. I want you to think of it as you being a precious gift for this new family who will love and cherish you as much as I do. You are their dream and their life now and that is an amazing thing. You are making their family whole and happy. You. Just by living, breathing, you have such an impact on everyone you touch and meet.

I know that life will get hard sometimes but always look towards the good in people and in situations regardless of how hard it may be at times. You started your life with both good and bad but I protected you from all the bad, I cloaked you in the happy feelings and experiences and I want that to continue. Your Moms will fight for you but one of lifes hardest lessons will be how to fight for yourself. You are strong. You made it clear when you beat the odds and came early and fought yourself healthy. My blood runs through you and because of that you have my strenght and determination. With Holly and Kelly to mold you into the person you will become I cant imagine you having a more perfect life. I cant wait to hear every minute of it. One day."

You are forever in my thoughts and dreams,
Jess, Your Tummy Mom

September 20, 2013 - The Day You Were Born

Dear Jesse,

I wanted to tell you all about how I got to meet you for the first time, how much you meant to me as soon as I saw you. It was such an incredible experience, one that I will forever cherish. You were all I wanted and had hoped for and having you placed in my arms within seconds of you entering this world is a feeling and combination of emotions I have no hope to explain. I loved you. It is as simple and complex as that. I loved you from the first cry, first touch, first movement in my womb. You are my miracle.

My day had started much like any other day I had, I had this Thursday off of work so I slept in, ate Life for breakfast and spent my time watching Netflix and straightening up the apartment. I had an appointment with Dr. Westerband, my OBGYN who was in charge of making sure you were as healthy as you could be, later in the day. I had no idea what was in store for me.

At 1:00 PM I went to my appointment and went through the normal checking in process before I saw the doctor. I peed in a cup (to make sure that there werent sugar and proteins because that would mean you were at risk of health problems), had my blood pressure checked (the nurse this day told me I had had some of the best blood pressure she has seen in a long time), and took my weight (176 pounds, a total of 36.6 pounds the entire pregnancy). It was a very routine visit. Last week at my check up I was not effaced or dialated one bit. You were very secure in my womb, not ready to come out. This day, however, you had decided enough was enough. At 36 weeks and 1 day you had effaced my cervix completely and my uterus was dilated 1 cm. I was pretty elated! It would mean that I would get to see you soon! I had no idea how soon, but I knew you were preparing yourself for your journey into this world.

I was so excited to share the news I called you mom, Kelly, as soon as I could to tell her the good news! She was so happy I could hear her elated smile through the phone.

Just an hour after I talked with Kelly I noticed something was a little wierd. I had been having braxton hicks contractions for a few weeks but these felt a bit different. I had a feeling that I could be going into labor. Upon the advice of my mother, your Grandma Gandara, I laid down to try to get comfortable and called the hospital. At 3:00 PM They advised me to come in for some monitoring just to be sure. I had made my calls to your Gandara Grandparents, to your Moms Holly and Kelly and then one to my boyfriend, Daniel, who was going to drive me to the hospital.

At 7:00 pm I was being admitted to Triage so they could monitor my progress, even though no one thought I was going into labor. They said it was too early for you considering you were my first baby. But you showed them. My water broke about 9:00 pm and I was transitioned into Labor and delivery which is where the REAL fun began. The contractions were coming so often and so hard that I was on the floor on my hands and knees. They told me I was in back labor because you were face up, hadnt flipped so your head would be facing my stomach yet. I ended up getting and epideral, against what my original plans were.

It was 1:15 when it came time to push. I was told that I should aim for having a 2AM baby. You must have heard them and thought "NOPE, I want to be born at one!" and by golly did you! Thirty minutes I pushed and you were out. They gave you to me and you laid there, quiet, and looked at me with your deep blue eyes and I started to cry. You were so perfect. My perfect cherub baby boy. I had never seen or felt or held anything so perfect in my life. I felt more love swell into me than I have ever felt. I felt so amazed that I could have created you inside me, that someone as amazing and beautiful as you came from me.

You were weighed at 5 lbs 14 oz and were 19.5 inches long. You had all of your fingers and toes (one foot though was a little crooked.. They called it your rib foot. It was the foot that you jabbed me in the ribs with for months) and even though you were only 36 weeks and 2 days old when you were born you passed your Apgar tests with an 8 and a 9! Unheard of! You were such a miracle! It was hard for anyone to grasp that not only you entered this world so early but that you were in such a rush to get out. A mere 10 hours I was in labor, a mere 10 hours to have you in my arms.

From that moment on you were held. I held you every chance I got, the only time they were able to pry you away from me was when they had to do routine tests to make sure you could hear and even then I could see you, next to me. If I wasnt the one holding you it was your Grandma or Grandpa Gandara or your Moms Holly and Kelly or their family. You were never put down for two reasons; first because I loved you so much and wanted you to feel as much of that love through my contact and my voice. I wanted you to be surrounded and swaddled in all of the love I was bursting with. The other reason is because you did not want to be put down. Any time I tried you would cry until you were in my arms again. You are so special to me Jesse. I never want you to forget that.

I know that sometimes with adoption children often wonder if they were wanted or loved by their biological parents. I am here to tell you that you were. Giving you away was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I feel so much pain and guilt and shame for no longer having you with me so I can prove to you how much I love and care for you. But above all I want you to have the best life that you could possibly have, I didnt want there to be any barriers between you and your dreams and I could not provide that. I could not afford a baby by myself, I couldnt be sure that I could give you absolutely everything you wanted and needed in life, but I knew that Holly and Kelly could. I will always want what is absolutely best for you and I had to come to the conclusion that I could not provide you with the life I wanted you to have.

Jesse, You will ALWAYS be in my heart. You will ALWAYS be in my life. Not a day has or will go by that I dont think about you. That I dont try to find you in the faces of the children I see. You have showed me what a Mothers love is like and nothing can change that. You, my son, are my life. You are the reason I wake up every morning. I want to make you proud of your Tummy Mommy. I hope one day you can forgive me and let me know that you ARE happy! I love you so much Jesse. Never forget that.

My heart, arms, and soul ache to have you swaddled here with me,
Jessica, Your other Mom