I wanted to tell you all about how I got to meet you for the first time, how much you meant to me as soon as I saw you. It was such an incredible experience, one that I will forever cherish. You were all I wanted and had hoped for and having you placed in my arms within seconds of you entering this world is a feeling and combination of emotions I have no hope to explain. I loved you. It is as simple and complex as that. I loved you from the first cry, first touch, first movement in my womb. You are my miracle.
My day had started much like any other day I had, I had this Thursday off of work so I slept in, ate Life for breakfast and spent my time watching Netflix and straightening up the apartment. I had an appointment with Dr. Westerband, my OBGYN who was in charge of making sure you were as healthy as you could be, later in the day. I had no idea what was in store for me.
At 1:00 PM I went to my appointment and went through the normal checking in process before I saw the doctor. I peed in a cup (to make sure that there werent sugar and proteins because that would mean you were at risk of health problems), had my blood pressure checked (the nurse this day told me I had had some of the best blood pressure she has seen in a long time), and took my weight (176 pounds, a total of 36.6 pounds the entire pregnancy). It was a very routine visit. Last week at my check up I was not effaced or dialated one bit. You were very secure in my womb, not ready to come out. This day, however, you had decided enough was enough. At 36 weeks and 1 day you had effaced my cervix completely and my uterus was dilated 1 cm. I was pretty elated! It would mean that I would get to see you soon! I had no idea how soon, but I knew you were preparing yourself for your journey into this world.
I was so excited to share the news I called you mom, Kelly, as soon as I could to tell her the good news! She was so happy I could hear her elated smile through the phone.
Just an hour after I talked with Kelly I noticed something was a little wierd. I had been having braxton hicks contractions for a few weeks but these felt a bit different. I had a feeling that I could be going into labor. Upon the advice of my mother, your Grandma Gandara, I laid down to try to get comfortable and called the hospital. At 3:00 PM They advised me to come in for some monitoring just to be sure. I had made my calls to your Gandara Grandparents, to your Moms Holly and Kelly and then one to my boyfriend, Daniel, who was going to drive me to the hospital.
At 7:00 pm I was being admitted to Triage so they could monitor my progress, even though no one thought I was going into labor. They said it was too early for you considering you were my first baby. But you showed them. My water broke about 9:00 pm and I was transitioned into Labor and delivery which is where the REAL fun began. The contractions were coming so often and so hard that I was on the floor on my hands and knees. They told me I was in back labor because you were face up, hadnt flipped so your head would be facing my stomach yet. I ended up getting and epideral, against what my original plans were.
It was 1:15 when it came time to push. I was told that I should aim for having a 2AM baby. You must have heard them and thought "NOPE, I want to be born at one!" and by golly did you! Thirty minutes I pushed and you were out. They gave you to me and you laid there, quiet, and looked at me with your deep blue eyes and I started to cry. You were so perfect. My perfect cherub baby boy. I had never seen or felt or held anything so perfect in my life. I felt more love swell into me than I have ever felt. I felt so amazed that I could have created you inside me, that someone as amazing and beautiful as you came from me.
You were weighed at 5 lbs 14 oz and were 19.5 inches long. You had all of your fingers and toes (one foot though was a little crooked.. They called it your rib foot. It was the foot that you jabbed me in the ribs with for months) and even though you were only 36 weeks and 2 days old when you were born you passed your Apgar tests with an 8 and a 9! Unheard of! You were such a miracle! It was hard for anyone to grasp that not only you entered this world so early but that you were in such a rush to get out. A mere 10 hours I was in labor, a mere 10 hours to have you in my arms.
From that moment on you were held. I held you every chance I got, the only time they were able to pry you away from me was when they had to do routine tests to make sure you could hear and even then I could see you, next to me. If I wasnt the one holding you it was your Grandma or Grandpa Gandara or your Moms Holly and Kelly or their family. You were never put down for two reasons; first because I loved you so much and wanted you to feel as much of that love through my contact and my voice. I wanted you to be surrounded and swaddled in all of the love I was bursting with. The other reason is because you did not want to be put down. Any time I tried you would cry until you were in my arms again. You are so special to me Jesse. I never want you to forget that.
I know that sometimes with adoption children often wonder if they were wanted or loved by their biological parents. I am here to tell you that you were. Giving you away was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I feel so much pain and guilt and shame for no longer having you with me so I can prove to you how much I love and care for you. But above all I want you to have the best life that you could possibly have, I didnt want there to be any barriers between you and your dreams and I could not provide that. I could not afford a baby by myself, I couldnt be sure that I could give you absolutely everything you wanted and needed in life, but I knew that Holly and Kelly could. I will always want what is absolutely best for you and I had to come to the conclusion that I could not provide you with the life I wanted you to have.
Jesse, You will ALWAYS be in my heart. You will ALWAYS be in my life. Not a day has or will go by that I dont think about you. That I dont try to find you in the faces of the children I see. You have showed me what a Mothers love is like and nothing can change that. You, my son, are my life. You are the reason I wake up every morning. I want to make you proud of your Tummy Mommy. I hope one day you can forgive me and let me know that you ARE happy! I love you so much Jesse. Never forget that.
My heart, arms, and soul ache to have you swaddled here with me,
Jessica, Your other Mom
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