Today, as every other day, you were constantly on my mind. If you had made it to Colorado safely, if you miss me, if you are happy. From what I have met of your new family they are amazing and kind people but I hope that my intuition was right and I made the right decision. The perfect decision for you.
This evening, as I was gazing out at the towering mountains in the distance contemplating how perfect you were and the short time we were able to have together, I became aware I was stroking my belly. The long, soft strokes I would use when you were still in my womb. When you were still growing and making every part of my body swell. I had you named my little Sea Monkey, you had that nickname since the first time I saw you on the screen of my OBGYN's sonogram machine. You were so tiny and didnt look much like a person yet but you were waving your arms all around as if saying, "Here I am mom, Im right here. This is my home for now! Hi!" I couldnt believe how infatuated I was with you from that time on. I knew nothing about you and I wanted no one but you.
I remember when I first started feeling you moving around. It was like our secret language. I would find myself smiling to myself putting my hand on the spot below my right rib you were partial to kicking. More times than I could count I felt a perfectly formed foot press against my hand and I knew it was the most flawless foot I knew. As you grew I felt your feet less and less (unless they were under my ribs kicking until I remained sore even after you were asleep) but I felt you completely distend my stomach with your knees nudging and body stretching. Feeling you flip and turn and move, it was such reassurance that you were mine, you were healthy, you were my precious Sea Monkey, hundreds of times bigger than you were when I first saw you.
You were still mine. You were still my Sea Monkey.
Even when you got so big I couldnt breathe while I was laying down or the weight of you would strain my back and make my feet swell, I loved you. I knew everything I was enduring was because you were growing big and healthy. The entire 8 months I was pregnant with you was a time that I will forever cherish. I, even now with the discomfort fresh in my mind, look back on those months with utter joy and wonderment. I would not take back a minute of the pregnancy because every minute you were inside me, you were mine. Solely mine. With our own game of hide and seek when I would tap my stomach and you would kick back. With our own language and understanding. The only time better than those 8 months my lovely Jesse were the 48 hours of you and only you in the hospital we spent together. I would not sleep, no matter how utterly exhausted I was, just so I could spend as much time as I could with you. I would nestle you close as tears would roll down my cheeks in the early hours of the morning as every hour ticked by, another hour closer to losing you.
You ARE still mine. You will ALWAYS be my Sea Monkey.
I dont care how big you get. I dont care how far you end up. I love you. I will always think of you. I hope that one day I can hold you in my arms again and take in every single perfect inch of you.
Never forget that I love you and you will always be my little Sea Monkey,
Jessica, Your Mother
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