Missing the Holidays

My dearest son, you are growing up way too fast. I wait every day for an email that might contain an update about you and, if I am lucky, a picture or two. I hang off every letter, every tiny detail of how you are doing, how you are growing up and who you are turning into as a person.

I have not written to you in some time and I regret that, but it is still incredibly hard to know that you are not with me. I wake up thinking I hear you crying in the other room until I remember, you are not there. I pace around wondering how heavy you would be if you were to be in my arms, if you would smile up at me with eyes that mirror my own, full of wonder and the future to hold. I know that I made the right choice, I gave you a full family, one that needed a little son to complete their own little family. I gave you to two people who could offer you every little thing you need and so much more. As much as I want you and miss you more and more each day I hold on to the fact that your moms could not be happier right now. They have a perfect and handsome little man growing up, they will hear the pitter patter of your tiny feet as they take their first steps, they will hear your sweet voice say those first precious words. They will be forever thankful you are in their lives. I hold on to that knowledge. I cherish every memory I have of you.

I do have to tell you, I get so excited at work after I get new pictures and updates. I go around and show your picture to everyone will look and boast about every detail I know about you. How you like to look at the holiday lights and that you adore baths. Without exaggeration, they always tell me how handsome they honestly think you are. They think you are such a precious little bundle and have my smile that can just light up a room.

As the Holidays creep nearer I get more and more sad. I wish I could have spent your first Thanksgiving with you. I want to witness your first Christmas and see your face with all the wrapping paper and bows. I want to take you out for a walk around my neighborhood and show you all the houses with lights we have and tell you about the secrets of the world. I want to show you the stars and tell you how infinite they are, teach you about all the tales and stories each star has attached to it. Instead, I go out for a walk and look at the houses by myself. I think of all the secrets of the world I would share with you. I look up at the stars for so long I begin to see your face in them. I imagine what your laugh sounds like, about all your different cries. I dream about your warmth next to me when I sleep and the reassuring shape of your body in my arms.

Jesse, I love you so much I cant even put it into words. I would do anything in this world I could for you. Please, never forget that.

Always dreaming and thinking about you,
Mom