I do, I feel selfish for giving you away though logically I know you have a better life with Holly and Kelly than I could ever provide in this time of my life. I see pictures of you every so often and see how much you have grown and the personality that is taking form. To be honest, I think you have become a total ham and love the camera, but I must also admit that you are so photogenic it makes me jealous. I hear it every time I boast about you and share pictures with strangers, you are such a beautiful baby. You have my stunning, deep blue eyes that can pierce the soul and capture the attention of people from across the room. You have my smile that, when you want it to, can brighten up a room. I wish I could hear you laugh, feel your skin and give you all the hugs that I have longed to give you this past year. There would be so many that I wouldn't let you go for hours.
I hear that you are spoiled rotten with all your toys but that you love each and every one of them. My heart sings thinking about you puttering about playing and laughing. I hear you love your bubble baths and they can turn a sour mood sweet. I hear you are entranced by Christmas lights and balloons. I hear a lot of things about you and I am so glad that I can get to know every little thing about you, I want to know more and more, I want to know absolutely everything about you. Maybe in time we can reconnect and I can see your tiny self in action. In time I can see you again.
I find myself daydreaming constantly of the few short days I spent with you. You know, I never put you down... Unless I gave you to your moms to hold and cuddle. They loved you the moment they saw you, in fact their smiles are etched into my memory. I could feel the love come off of them, as much for each other as for you. It was a very selfish and bittersweet moment for me because I knew it would the their love that you would feel and would shape you to the person you will soon become. Just know you still hold my love, I am connected to you for life and no one can take that from me. There is this invisible cord that connects you to me, it is connected right to my heart. Every day I take time and meditate by myself and send you healing and comfort and serenity, all that I can muster. I hope you remember always what I told you when I last held you and said goodbye, my love surrounds you. It is in the wind that kisses your cheeks, the ground you feel beneath bare feet, it is in the sound of water as it washes around you, in the butterflies you will soon be running to catch. Though I have given you to another family you are still MINE. Forever mine.
The past year has been very hard for me, it hurts me knowing that I gave you away. It physically, emotionally and mentally hurts not having you near, not seeing you, not feeling you, not knowing you. It is a pain that I have heard will never really go away. I guess the time is teaching me that you are that pain, that constant reminder that there is another part of me out there and growing and learning, holding endless possibilities of change made to the world. You are so wonderful and pure hearted you touch the lives of everyone you meet, you are strong and vivacious and will make a difference. I know it, I can feel it in my bones. I have made a resolution to keep better connected. As I am working through my health and really grasp the decision I made for us it will become easier. I cant wait for the day you can hear my voice again.
I very recently was looking through some of my old photographs and I found one of my favorite pictures of us. It was taken a week after I found out about you. I read somewhere that you were about the size of a blueberry and I held a blueberry up to my belly, cupped in my hands and pretended it was you. I was so elated that you were so tiny and innocent and I was the one lucky enough to be carrying you and singing to you and nourishing you. It is one of my favorite pregnancy pictures. Us. Together.
I am making a book dedicated to you. A collection of every picture I have of you and us together. Every bit of information I get from Holly and Kelly about you will go into it. All of the poetry I have been writing you. Everything. I'll share it with you when you are older, it will be a diary of all the accomplishments I wasn't present for but that I saw second hand in pictures and movies.
I love you so much my little sea monkey,
My son,
My love,
Mom
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