My Grown Up Sea Monkey

My dear Jesse,

Today, as every other day, you were constantly on my mind. If you had made it to Colorado safely, if you miss me, if you are happy. From what I have met of your new family they are amazing and kind people but I hope that my intuition was right and I made the right decision. The perfect decision for you.

This evening, as I was gazing out at the towering mountains in the distance contemplating how perfect you were and the short time we were able to have together, I became aware I was stroking my belly. The long, soft strokes I would use when you were still in my womb. When you were still growing and making every part of my body swell. I had you named my little Sea Monkey, you had that nickname since the first time I saw you on the screen of my OBGYN's sonogram machine. You were so tiny and didnt look much like a person yet but you were waving your arms all around as if saying, "Here I am mom, Im right here. This is my home for now! Hi!" I couldnt believe how infatuated I was with you from that time on. I knew nothing about you and I wanted no one but you.

I remember when I first started feeling you moving around. It was like our secret language. I would find myself smiling to myself putting my hand on the spot below my right rib you were partial to kicking. More times than I could count I felt a perfectly formed foot press against my hand and I knew it was the most flawless foot I knew. As you grew I felt your feet less and less (unless they were under my ribs kicking until I remained sore even after you were asleep) but I felt you completely distend my stomach with your knees nudging and body stretching. Feeling you flip and turn and move, it was such reassurance that you were mine, you were healthy, you were my precious Sea Monkey, hundreds of times bigger than you were when I first saw you.

You were still mine. You were still my Sea Monkey.

Even when you got so big I couldnt breathe while I was laying down or the weight of you would strain my back and make my feet swell, I loved you. I knew everything I was enduring was because you were growing big and healthy. The entire 8 months I was pregnant with you was a time that I will forever cherish. I, even now with the discomfort fresh in my mind, look back on those months with utter joy and wonderment. I would not take back a minute of the pregnancy because every minute you were inside me, you were mine. Solely mine. With our own game of hide and seek when I would tap my stomach and you would kick back. With our own language and understanding. The only time better than those 8 months my lovely Jesse were the 48 hours of you and only you in the hospital we spent together. I would not sleep, no matter how utterly exhausted I was, just so I could spend as much time as I could with you. I would nestle you close as tears would roll down my cheeks in the early hours of the morning as every hour ticked by, another hour closer to losing you.

You ARE still mine. You will ALWAYS be my Sea Monkey.

I dont care how big you get. I dont care how far you end up. I love you. I will always think of you. I hope that one day I can hold you in my arms again and take in every single perfect inch of you.

Never forget that I love you and you will always be my little Sea Monkey,
Jessica, Your Mother

The Missing Person In The Pictures

Last night I received a text from your parents, they had just finished touring the Sonoran Desert Museum with you and said that it was so much fun! It was your first big outing since you left the hospital and you were so precious curled in the arms of Kelly. I could tell from their faces that they could not be more happy to have you in their lives, part of their completing family. They told me that right after they were finished they were going to go to Scottsdale, Arizona to wait out the finalization of the adoption before they could take you on the long road trip to Colorado, so many miles away from me. Looking at the picture they sent me of the three of you gave me such joy that each and every one of you are so happy to be in each others lives, but part of me cries. It cries because I am not in that picture. I am not there with you, my son, to keep you safe and happy.

I have to keep reminding myself of what I told you the last time I saw you, you can find my love anywhere you look.

I spent part of my morning sitting out on the porch of Gandara Farms letting the sun warm my skin looking at the clouds passing above me and the peaks of the mountains littered with trees. I knew that it was the same sun that kept your eyes shut tight for protection, the same sun that caresses your soft ivory skin, the same sun that keeps you warm enough to show the entire world how perfect and delicate your hands and feet are. That the clouds that float above me are the same clouds that you will one day lay under daydreaming about life, love and what is, could have been and will be. I remind myself that even though the Arizona mountains have nothing against the towering ones in Colorado that someday soon you will be hiking up with your new parents enjoying all of the sounds and smells of a nature that is so unlike the one you were born into. I have to remind myself that the wind that I feel silken and comforting brushing the tears rolling down my face are the same ones that will reach you and surround you with the overflowing emotions of happiness, joy and love tinged with sadness for losing you.

Today, just as any day, I woke up hoping to find you swaddled next to me as you were the two nights we had in the hospital together. In my sleepy haze I could almost smell the sour smell of the formula from the bottles that always surrounded us and the faint natural perfume that always drifted from your skin that was only detectable when I held you close and kissed your forehead. I could almost feel your comforting weight cradled in my arms and your soft skin and silken hair brush my shoulder as you squirmed ever closer needing to know that I was there to protect you and keep you warm.

I want you to remember that even though Holly and Kelly will raise you you will always be part of my life. Not a day will go by that I do not think of you and what COULD have been. I will always want to do anything and everything to make you happy, safe and to give you what you need to thrive and flourish in life reaching the endless possibilities that life could take you.

You are my son.

You have my blood flowing through your veins, my hair on your head, my inquisitive eyes taking in the world, but you also have my will and my strenght to conquer whatever obstical gets in your way. In the few days I was able to spend with you I could tell that you were a fighter, decisive and knew exactly how to get what you wanted. Those traits will remain with you and help guide you through the hard times life will throw your way.

You also have the guidance for two amazing Moms that will mould you into the person you will become. You have not one family to fight and love and cherish you, but two who are completely devoted to your well being. I pray that you will never feel alone with all of us behind you, no matter the distance.

I love and miss every inch of you my son,
Jess, The other half of your family.

My Last Goodbye

The last time I saw you before the adoption took place was one of Joy, Pain, Sorrow and Love. There were so many emotions swirling around us that it almost took my breath away. I didnt want to say goodbye. I didnt want to give you away. I wanted you with me ALWAYS, I wanted to see your smile be the first thing I saw when I woke up and the last thing I saw when I went to sleep. I wanted my arms to grow weary of carrying you everywhere I go. But I knew I had to let go of you. Holly and Kelly brought you to a park and we all sat in some shade on the grass. This is what I told you before giving you to them for the last time:

"If you ever wake up and wonder about me, wonder if I love you, I want you to take a step outside and notice that my love surrounds you.

My love is like the grass we sit on, with each passing day it grows taller and taller just as my love for you grows with each day that you are alive and well. No matter what makes you think that my love is less, my love is more every single day I know that you are happy and well cared for.

My love is also like the sun that shines in our eyes. It is so many miles away from us and yet we still feel its warmth wrap around us. Just the way my love for you will surround and protect you no matter how many miles apart we are. It will remain constant, steady and strong and shine brighter every day.

Just as those trees in the distance sit in the glory of the sun they will also be washed in darkness just as you will have both light and dark in your future I want you to remember one thing. The dark only makes the light more precious, it only makes us appreciate it more. For every dark there is a light that comes after and I want you to hold on to that. Never give up when you are in middle of the dark, you never know when the light will come next and what joy it may bring.

I dont want you to think of this adoption as me giving you away. I want you to think of it as you being a precious gift for this new family who will love and cherish you as much as I do. You are their dream and their life now and that is an amazing thing. You are making their family whole and happy. You. Just by living, breathing, you have such an impact on everyone you touch and meet.

I know that life will get hard sometimes but always look towards the good in people and in situations regardless of how hard it may be at times. You started your life with both good and bad but I protected you from all the bad, I cloaked you in the happy feelings and experiences and I want that to continue. Your Moms will fight for you but one of lifes hardest lessons will be how to fight for yourself. You are strong. You made it clear when you beat the odds and came early and fought yourself healthy. My blood runs through you and because of that you have my strenght and determination. With Holly and Kelly to mold you into the person you will become I cant imagine you having a more perfect life. I cant wait to hear every minute of it. One day."

You are forever in my thoughts and dreams,
Jess, Your Tummy Mom

September 20, 2013 - The Day You Were Born

Dear Jesse,

I wanted to tell you all about how I got to meet you for the first time, how much you meant to me as soon as I saw you. It was such an incredible experience, one that I will forever cherish. You were all I wanted and had hoped for and having you placed in my arms within seconds of you entering this world is a feeling and combination of emotions I have no hope to explain. I loved you. It is as simple and complex as that. I loved you from the first cry, first touch, first movement in my womb. You are my miracle.

My day had started much like any other day I had, I had this Thursday off of work so I slept in, ate Life for breakfast and spent my time watching Netflix and straightening up the apartment. I had an appointment with Dr. Westerband, my OBGYN who was in charge of making sure you were as healthy as you could be, later in the day. I had no idea what was in store for me.

At 1:00 PM I went to my appointment and went through the normal checking in process before I saw the doctor. I peed in a cup (to make sure that there werent sugar and proteins because that would mean you were at risk of health problems), had my blood pressure checked (the nurse this day told me I had had some of the best blood pressure she has seen in a long time), and took my weight (176 pounds, a total of 36.6 pounds the entire pregnancy). It was a very routine visit. Last week at my check up I was not effaced or dialated one bit. You were very secure in my womb, not ready to come out. This day, however, you had decided enough was enough. At 36 weeks and 1 day you had effaced my cervix completely and my uterus was dilated 1 cm. I was pretty elated! It would mean that I would get to see you soon! I had no idea how soon, but I knew you were preparing yourself for your journey into this world.

I was so excited to share the news I called you mom, Kelly, as soon as I could to tell her the good news! She was so happy I could hear her elated smile through the phone.

Just an hour after I talked with Kelly I noticed something was a little wierd. I had been having braxton hicks contractions for a few weeks but these felt a bit different. I had a feeling that I could be going into labor. Upon the advice of my mother, your Grandma Gandara, I laid down to try to get comfortable and called the hospital. At 3:00 PM They advised me to come in for some monitoring just to be sure. I had made my calls to your Gandara Grandparents, to your Moms Holly and Kelly and then one to my boyfriend, Daniel, who was going to drive me to the hospital.

At 7:00 pm I was being admitted to Triage so they could monitor my progress, even though no one thought I was going into labor. They said it was too early for you considering you were my first baby. But you showed them. My water broke about 9:00 pm and I was transitioned into Labor and delivery which is where the REAL fun began. The contractions were coming so often and so hard that I was on the floor on my hands and knees. They told me I was in back labor because you were face up, hadnt flipped so your head would be facing my stomach yet. I ended up getting and epideral, against what my original plans were.

It was 1:15 when it came time to push. I was told that I should aim for having a 2AM baby. You must have heard them and thought "NOPE, I want to be born at one!" and by golly did you! Thirty minutes I pushed and you were out. They gave you to me and you laid there, quiet, and looked at me with your deep blue eyes and I started to cry. You were so perfect. My perfect cherub baby boy. I had never seen or felt or held anything so perfect in my life. I felt more love swell into me than I have ever felt. I felt so amazed that I could have created you inside me, that someone as amazing and beautiful as you came from me.

You were weighed at 5 lbs 14 oz and were 19.5 inches long. You had all of your fingers and toes (one foot though was a little crooked.. They called it your rib foot. It was the foot that you jabbed me in the ribs with for months) and even though you were only 36 weeks and 2 days old when you were born you passed your Apgar tests with an 8 and a 9! Unheard of! You were such a miracle! It was hard for anyone to grasp that not only you entered this world so early but that you were in such a rush to get out. A mere 10 hours I was in labor, a mere 10 hours to have you in my arms.

From that moment on you were held. I held you every chance I got, the only time they were able to pry you away from me was when they had to do routine tests to make sure you could hear and even then I could see you, next to me. If I wasnt the one holding you it was your Grandma or Grandpa Gandara or your Moms Holly and Kelly or their family. You were never put down for two reasons; first because I loved you so much and wanted you to feel as much of that love through my contact and my voice. I wanted you to be surrounded and swaddled in all of the love I was bursting with. The other reason is because you did not want to be put down. Any time I tried you would cry until you were in my arms again. You are so special to me Jesse. I never want you to forget that.

I know that sometimes with adoption children often wonder if they were wanted or loved by their biological parents. I am here to tell you that you were. Giving you away was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I feel so much pain and guilt and shame for no longer having you with me so I can prove to you how much I love and care for you. But above all I want you to have the best life that you could possibly have, I didnt want there to be any barriers between you and your dreams and I could not provide that. I could not afford a baby by myself, I couldnt be sure that I could give you absolutely everything you wanted and needed in life, but I knew that Holly and Kelly could. I will always want what is absolutely best for you and I had to come to the conclusion that I could not provide you with the life I wanted you to have.

Jesse, You will ALWAYS be in my heart. You will ALWAYS be in my life. Not a day has or will go by that I dont think about you. That I dont try to find you in the faces of the children I see. You have showed me what a Mothers love is like and nothing can change that. You, my son, are my life. You are the reason I wake up every morning. I want to make you proud of your Tummy Mommy. I hope one day you can forgive me and let me know that you ARE happy! I love you so much Jesse. Never forget that.

My heart, arms, and soul ache to have you swaddled here with me,
Jessica, Your other Mom